Glorious age to be single?

Back in the day (the good old day) when hormones were racing, being fed by a barrage of american tv and mis-informed teenage ideals, my peers and I had but one goal. To get laid. It must be mentioned that variety had a lot to do with it. i.e. variety was essential. Fast forward to the present, the hormones aren’t racing in that particular direction anymore, and variety is no longer paramount. In fact everything’s in reverse. We (mostly I, since everyone else I know seems to be getting married) want stable relationships with women that conform to some silly ideal we have in our heads. So, no, being single isn’t what it used to be, especially since most of the aforementioned ‘variety’ is now married.

Give in to evolutionary needs (or biological clock ticking?)

Call it what you want, but humans (male and female) spend a considerable amount of time and effort trying to satisfy this response/need. Sure we can write it off by saying, “we’re hard-wired this way” and “human-beings were meant to be in long monogamous relationships”. We do need what we need and usual want what is bad for us. And sooner or later everyone is willing to get shot in the leg, I mean, married. But have you (well the ones considering it) ever considered what this might entail?

So after speaking to a bunch of my married friends, I’ve gotten a very positive response and most are blissful in wedlock. Unfortunately, I’m not like most of my friends, I seem to have a tendency to over-think pretty much everything. Which brings me to:

• Have I achieved enough with my life? (I am 28 after all)
  
• Is the rest of my life in balance? At least enough to take on more responsibility?
  
• Is a wife really a responsibility? I mean she’s a big girl after all and can take care of herself
  
• Am I a responsibility?
  
• Will she let me get a dog?

And so on and so forth, you get the point. There are too many factors and variables to take into account before you get all dewey-eyed, sentimental and get down on one knee.

So I say to all you lost souls out there, thinking about your inevitable surrender to evolution & biology. Just do one thing before you get married. Hold a pair of, slightly opened scissors in your hand (either one), and run around your living room whilst checking your e-mail on your blackberry. If you come out of this exercise unscathed. It’s time for you to get married! Since clearly you are one of the chosen few for whom, variables, external factors and consequences mean absolutely nothing.

Woman: What’re you thinking about? / What do you think about…. (insert inane object here)
Man (squeamish and scared): Nothing, nothing

Clichés and political correctness aside. This is fact. You’re treading on thin ice when you tell a woman the truth about anything i.e. from her choice of clothing to what you’re thinking about. Nothing good can come of it.

Since the beginning of time, the first dim spark of cognitive function and the invention on the word why. Women have considered themselves seekers of the truth. “I really want you to be honest with me” or “The only quality I’m looking for in a man is honesty”. Lies…

Women don’t really want to hear the truth, they, like most human beings, want to hear a version of the truth they’re expecting. (I know, I said it, and it still doesn’t make sense.)

So by that logic;
When she asks you (a man)“Do you think I’ll ever find a man” she means someone other than you and expects your answer to be something like “Sure you will, women like you don’t stay single very long”. Or she asks “I totally snubbed that gross looking guy, I did the right thing right?” The answer she wants is “Totally! he had it coming”

Which brings us to:
Reasons why women don’t want to hear the truth

• It’s not what they were expecting.
  
• You are not relevant enough to tell them things like the truth.
  
• It wasn’t in Sex and the City 1/2, so obviously, it’s a lie.
  
• It hasn’t been endorsed by everyone (girlfriends, cosmo & sai baba) and become popular opinion.
  
• Expecting it from someone better looking or with more money
  
• It takes all the fun out of playing mind games (and what’s the point of living, if we can’t play mind games eh?)
  
• It has nothing to do with how they feel about issues their friends are having.
  
• It’s just plain inconvenient and requires effort to accept.

So why then are they this bent on extracting the honest to goodness truth from you. Well, it’s a mix of guilt, denial and the illusion of control that drives them.

Solution: Lie. With time and practice you’ll get better at it.
And just like what Oscar once said about the truth, women too, are rarely pure and never simple.

I know I know it’s been a while… But tonight I came to the commonly dismissed (yet, accurate) conclusion that women were put on God’s green earth for one purpose and one purpose only. To mess with us! More specifically, to scramble the signals our brain cells send each other and basically leave us confused and unhappy.

I speak from experience, (those who know me will verify this fact) as I mentioned once, Doshi’s Law states that “The ones you want don’t want you, and the ones who want you, you don’t want”. This has sound reasoning behind it.

Tell me if I’m wrong here, but the more you pursue a woman, the less interest she shows in you. This is an age-old fact. Suddenly, when you’re dating someone else. They’re all over you. But it gets worse, much worse.

So let’s pretend (hypothetically) you’re single (and don’t want to be single anymore), not a knife wielding psycho, have reasonably good social skills and are not beyond ugly… So why are you still single? Because women can smell your desperate androgenic pheromones. And, more importantly, because they want to toy with you. That’s right… the “messing with you” part is absolutely deliberate!

But let’s be fair, they can’t help it. They’re genetically bound to it, the culprit? Oxytocin. This hormone is called the trust/love hormone. It helps women flirt (and lead you on) without any guilt or remorse! And here’s the kicker, it’s life span is short and it dissipates quickly. (think, many vodka-redbulls later).

So let’s say you’re at a bar/friend’s place/random party etc. and you are of the disposition, I described earlier. You notice a woman you like, she notices you, you start talking. BOOM you think there’s a connection, shortly followed by…. BOOM your bubble of hope bursts as she walks off with her husband/ boyfriend/fiancé. The question here is, why would she flirt with you if she was otherwise “engaged”? Simple answer:
Because she CAN!

Now you know where the old sayings come from (especially on auto-rickshaws and trucks) “trust a snake but not woman“

At this point you can almost hear her saying, “Your honor and members of the jury, I did it because I have an excess amount of oxytocin in my brain”

It’s official, women were built/created/and put on this planet to mess with men!

Over the ages many a poet and writer has attempted to explain it’s awesome power through fables, long winded lore and story. Using similes and such, to shelter the masses from it’s corrupting influence (ala. Lord of the Rings)

So what is this stupendous creation you ask?

The Skirt…

Not for your motor vehicles, not for any mechanical device but the silly fashion trend we all dismiss so easily, the skirt.

So ingenious is this contraption that we’ve seen it mentioned throughout the history of mankind. It’s survival (and popularity) is aided by it’s chameleon-like ability to re-appear in new (adaptable) forms. From minis, to pencil skirts. From, cut-just-above-the-knee to a tight, below-the-knee-cut that better defines a woman’s calf muscles and her posterior.

Women, having realised the power of the skirt early on, have used this garment in conjunction with their pheromones to lure, trap and change men to become malleable, agreeable and domestic.

This may all sound like hokum to you now, but new data suggests that the sudden re-emergence of this garment in our time, especially in popular media. Is a cleverly implemented plan, by the fairer sex, to…(wait for it)…. take over…the world!



I know this is all a bit much to digest. Here you were thinking “Aw, she really made an effort to look nice today” or “Thank the Lord for skirts”… Wake up and smell the starch!

All I have to say is, Steve Jobs and Apple ain’t got nothin’ on this.

So the Easter dust has finally settled and the sugar rush is finally subsiding. And I’m beginning to realise the amount of marketing that goes into the resurrection of Christ. In fact we’ve mostly forgotten about the blessed event and most of us are just after the goods, easter eggs!

As usual I woke up in the pm on Sunday afternoon and as usual had a strong hankering for something sweet… Thus began my quest for the rare and hard to obtain easter eggs. I kid you not. After visiting 4 bakeries (Thom’s cafe & bakery included) I still hadn’t satisfied my craving. Apparently easter eggs were out of stock on easter day…

Finally as a last ditch attempt I head to “French Loaf”, where I managed to coerce a waiter (read 20 bucks in his palm) to go look in the back and see if they had any extra. He comes out with 2 eggs already hidden away in a plastic bag, gives me a slight nod and walks to the back of the shop where he beckons and relieves me of my money. Easter eggs in hand (discreetly wrapped up in a plastic bag) I try to walk out of the cafe all stealth-like. Trying hard to avoid direct eye contact with angry mothers who’s little angels are balling and screaming their lungs out. “Ha Ha” I think to myself “Better luck next time”. I’m out the door, making a bee-line for the car when one of the little brats, with x-ray vision scans the bag in my hand, points to me and lets out an ear-shattering sonic-scream! Panic set in! I felt like I was in a segment of “Children of the corn” I ran for dear life. Jumped into the car. Gunned the engine. And I was gone in a flash! Phew!

The whole experience reminded me of trying to score contraband, mixed with news segments, I’d seen, of refugees at a camp fighting for food.

Who knew buying Easter eggs would be such a traumatic experience? This does not bode well for future generations. I see mass riots, government curfews, ultimately rationing of the eggs and finally a dystopian future where easter eggs are nothing but myths…

Like tonight for example. Friend’s party, 18-odd people scoot to leave behind 2 couples and me. I, of course, don’t get the hint. Instead of making a dignified getaway, I hang around and offer to be DJ. (Note: never do this, horny couples, or couples in love, whatever. Don’t really need music to ‘get it on’) So these couples effectively tune me out, until I start croaking (loudly) the chorus of “Still haven’t found”. At which time they’re about ready to throw me off the 4th floor.

Being an unnecessary spoke/wheel never has advantages, unless of course, your ex is trying to get it on with your arch nemesis. And, still you end up looking like a jack-ass. So it’s a no-win situation.

Let’s re-cap:
Being in a relationship (the pitfalls):

1. eradicates freedom
2. cuts your fun to an absolute 0
3. you’re responsible for someone else (from holding hair over toilet to getting them back home safe etc) {ref. point 2}
4. restricts you from singing / croaking “yesterday” in public
5. forces you to not like people that ‘she’ doesn’t like
6. and finally, forces you to leave the party before the alcohol actually runs out (i.e. at a reasonable time)
   

Being in a relationship (the up-side):

1. never feeling out of place, when everyone else is ‘grinding’ to “sexual healing”
2. being a part of numerous double/multiple couples dates
   

You decide…

You know, when you call your better half, “Honey-bun” or “‘lil lamb chop” or “sweetie-pie” or the countless other sweet/salty snacks/foods you like or can think of. But did you ever wonder where these terms originated from? Or phrases like “You look good enough to eat”. Well yes, porn…. but they get their material from some place too. No prizes for guessing but all this terminology stems from the human-desire to consume…food.

Ergo, thought it would be only too fitting to relate women to food.
So without further delay….

Empire Butter Chicken
Health rating: 6/10
Usually makes an appearance after a very drunken night, succulent, usually tender, and generally, very satisfying after a night of binge drinking. But just like the actual dish, you kind of regret you had some when you wake up the next morning. Ends up giving you unexpected problems, like making you spend extended periods in the loo and seeking treatment later.

Daal Rice
Health rating: 8/10
Staple food of most Indian men. Just like the dish, these women are there whenever you need, and are ready at a moments notice. Also just like the dish, gets boring and mundane if consumed everyday for long durations of time. And this results in a yearning for the occasional “Butter chicken”, after which you want it again. Gave birth to the adage of “Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em”

“Healthy” Tandoori Chicken
Health rating: 3/10
Wrong on so many levels. These are the kind of women who will take something fun and suck the life right out of it. Just like the dish, the promise of the meaty-goodness of legs & breasts is laid out right under your nose and then taken away while reminding you sternly, “That this much rich food is not good for you” instead “have a modified version of it, just like the original, but without the masala or the flavor, told you just like the original” I’ve been told by a fellow researcher, that there is a name for this variety of woman, “wife”.

Chateaubriand
Health rating: 4/10
Definitely an acquired taste. Just like the dish, will run up quite a bill at restaurants. Goes best after expensive wine or scotch. Comes in a portion just big enough to satisfy but leaves you craving for more. Definitely can’t afford to spend time with this woman everyday. Unless you have very, very deep pockets.

Raas Malai
Health rating: 3/10
Made popular by the BBC programme “Goodness gracious me” This term is constantly used by British-Asians (notably punjabis) and Brits who wanna hang with the asian kids. Literally stems from the term “eye-candy” more often than not, these women do turn out to be just that, candy, the kind that makes you wish you had tooth-ache just so you’d be distracted enough by the pain, not to hear her silly rambling!

Maggi Noodles
Health rating: 8/10
Similar to the daal rice variety in so many ways. This is the very epitome of the comfort variety. There by your side to give you solace when the world is against you. Doesn’t mind being there when every other variety is scarce or non-existent. And ready in just 2-minutes (a lil overboard I know). Just like the dish, this woman is great to spend time with in the morning, afternoon, night or even in-between meals. Again just like the daal rice variety, looses it’s appeal if consumed too often.

There are, of course, numerous other varieties, because just like the endless, wonderful world of cuisine, the varieties of women are also limitless.

Which is why the “Doshi’s Institute” is recruiting the most brilliant minds (i.e. you) to contribute your findings and help further the boundaries of science and human understanding. If you do want to share your research, do get in touch.

As indicated above, the gujarati language is a complex and tricky one, but you have to admit, they’ve crossed all the “t’s” and dotted all the “i’s”. And this is just a fraction of it relating to women, you should hear their terminology for food!

I think I’m in love (again)

Meet my new love, the object of my affection

MY BRAND NEW iPod Touch

Oh come now, let’s not act so surprised… Those of you who do know me, should’ve kinda expected it!

So why am I this elated about a piece of moulded aluminum, with a composite plastic capacitive display, the backside of which feels smooth to the touch as you loving caress it’s sensuous curves and stroke the display….?

Er… I’ll tell you why…

10 reasons why iPods are better than women:

1. To start with. They always get turned on when you touch them (without any effort or foreplay)
   
2. Totally customizable, to your tastes. Without throwing fits or asking for anything expensive in return
   
3. You can focus on one particular part of it’s body for as long as you want (without getting yelled at).
   
4. You can touch and play with other iPods without worrying about being forced to sleep on the couch.
   
5. Guaranteed bragging rights among your friends, you now have arm candy.
   
6. Will still remain by your side (after being shown off), no matter how many other men look, express interest or throw compliments.
   
7. The overall cost is actually cheaper than dating a woman (even the low-maintenence variety)
   
8. Never suffers from PMS, if it’s acting weird, hook it up to a mac and it fixes itself (again, without yelling at you for no reason)
   
9. On that note, it can be upgraded (’nuff said)
   
10. Comes with an “off” switch
    

There are of course numerous other reasons, but we won’t go into that now. I need to go give my love some…lovin’

Therefore, after getting the emotional-sh*t kicked out of me a month ago, and to save mankind (of course), I give you, this handy-dandy guide.

Like everything else, this is written from a man’s point of view, but applies to women as well. For easy reference, this guide is broken up into two parts.
Part 1 : Deals with the “Act” itself, i.e. the bare-bones of the Break-up, explained
Part 2 : Is a guide to recovery, for those who have been forsaken.

As I mentioned above, everyone has/been dumped at some point in their lives, and everyone seems to worry about the same thing. WHY?! The trick here is not to worry about the “Why”, but the “How”. The “How” is important, because it helps explain the “Why” and alot about the person (or you, based on which end of the stick you’re at).

Part 1

How you end a relationship with someone, says volumes about you. You could do it amicably, with hostility, in haste or from another city. These methods are aided by technology, phone calls, SMS, the ever-popular e-mail and of course the all too public social media sites, i.e. facebook, twitter etc.

But with all these choices, how does one decide the best method of termination? Everything depends on the size of your kahunas, your inner resolve, guts, how big a dick/bitch you are, or simply put, wether you’ve got Backbone, and how much of it.

Table 1.
Please be patient, the chart below will take a while to load…(360kb)

Part 2
Guide to recovery

It’s broken, don’t try to fix it.
Groveling, pleading, rationalizing with her/him is futile and is generally unhealthy. Don’t do it.

Remember all the Crap you went through.
This is done primarily to aid with Point 1. And, is not done, to make you feel worse.

Distractions help.
PlayStation, books, heading to the gym or for the adventurous, stamp-collecting! Anything that keeps your mind occupied is a plus. There have been some reported cases of work being an effective cure.

Let’s not be friends
Being friends with someone who dumped you is the worst idea, in the history of bad ideas! The more you stay in contact with someone who you cared about. The shitter it makes you feel, that you’re not with them anymore, and worse when they end up with someone else. Forget about the woman/man who dumped you. Permanently delete.

Final purge.
Get it all out of your system, for the very last time. Blame her/him. Convince yourself that she/he was no good for you.

Move one
Cheesy, cliché and over-used, but extremely true. Find yourself someone else. As per Doshi’s Laws “The only way to get over one woman (/man) is to get another”

Final Notes

• The above mentioned guide to recovery has a tested success rate of 56.8%
• The anatomy, is more generalized for reference and could differ among different strains/species.