So now what?!

I sit here today, 28 years old, an age that’s stuck between impending midlife crisis and just about over the hill. Drinking expensive alcohol at trendy nightclubs surrounded by tweens doesn’t appeal to me anymore, but neither does the idea of attending sit-down wine and cheese dinners at my newly married couple-friend’s house. So what’s a man to do?

Glorious age to be single?

Back in the day (the good old day) when hormones were racing, being fed by a barrage of american tv and mis-informed teenage ideals, my peers and I had but one goal. To get laid. It must be mentioned that variety had a lot to do with it. i.e. variety was essential. Fast forward to the present, the hormones aren’t racing in that particular direction anymore, and variety is no longer paramount. In fact everything’s in reverse. We (mostly I, since everyone else I know seems to be getting married) want stable relationships with women that conform to some silly ideal we have in our heads. So, no, being single isn’t what it used to be, especially since most of the aforementioned ‘variety’ is now married.

Give in to evolutionary needs (or biological clock ticking?)

Call it what you want, but humans (male and female) spend a considerable amount of time and effort trying to satisfy this response/need. Sure we can write it off by saying, “we’re hard-wired this way” and “human-beings were meant to be in long monogamous relationships”. We do need what we need and usual want what is bad for us. And sooner or later everyone is willing to get shot in the leg, I mean, married. But have you (well the ones considering it) ever considered what this might entail?

So after speaking to a bunch of my married friends, I’ve gotten a very positive response and most are blissful in wedlock. Unfortunately, I’m not like most of my friends, I seem to have a tendency to over-think pretty much everything. Which brings me to:

• Have I achieved enough with my life? (I am 28 after all)
  
• Is the rest of my life in balance? At least enough to take on more responsibility?
  
• Is a wife really a responsibility? I mean she’s a big girl after all and can take care of herself
  
• Am I a responsibility?
  
• Will she let me get a dog?

And so on and so forth, you get the point. There are too many factors and variables to take into account before you get all dewey-eyed, sentimental and get down on one knee.

So I say to all you lost souls out there, thinking about your inevitable surrender to evolution & biology. Just do one thing before you get married. Hold a pair of, slightly opened scissors in your hand (either one), and run around your living room whilst checking your e-mail on your blackberry. If you come out of this exercise unscathed. It’s time for you to get married! Since clearly you are one of the chosen few for whom, variables, external factors and consequences mean absolutely nothing.

Why women don’t want to hear the truth

Woman: What’re you thinking about? / What do you think about…. (insert inane object here)
Man (squeamish and scared): Nothing, nothing

Clichés and political correctness aside. This is fact. You’re treading on thin ice when you tell a woman the truth about anything i.e. from her choice of clothing to what you’re thinking about. Nothing good can come of it.

Since the beginning of time, the first dim spark of cognitive function and the invention on the word why. Women have considered themselves seekers of the truth. “I really want you to be honest with me” or “The only quality I’m looking for in a man is honesty”. Lies…

Women don’t really want to hear the truth, they, like most human beings, want to hear a version of the truth they’re expecting. (I know, I said it, and it still doesn’t make sense.)

So by that logic;
When she asks you (a man)“Do you think I’ll ever find a man” she means someone other than you and expects your answer to be something like “Sure you will, women like you don’t stay single very long”. Or she asks “I totally snubbed that gross looking guy, I did the right thing right?” The answer she wants is “Totally! he had it coming”

Which brings us to:
Reasons why women don’t want to hear the truth

• It’s not what they were expecting.
  
• You are not relevant enough to tell them things like the truth.
  
• It wasn’t in Sex and the City 1/2, so obviously, it’s a lie.
  
• It hasn’t been endorsed by everyone (girlfriends, cosmo & sai baba) and become popular opinion.
  
• Expecting it from someone better looking or with more money
  
• It takes all the fun out of playing mind games (and what’s the point of living, if we can’t play mind games eh?)
  
• It has nothing to do with how they feel about issues their friends are having.
  
• It’s just plain inconvenient and requires effort to accept.

So why then are they this bent on extracting the honest to goodness truth from you. Well, it’s a mix of guilt, denial and the illusion of control that drives them.

Solution: Lie. With time and practice you’ll get better at it.
And just like what Oscar once said about the truth, women too, are rarely pure and never simple.

It’s official

I know I know it’s been a while… But tonight I came to the commonly dismissed (yet, accurate) conclusion that women were put on God’s green earth for one purpose and one purpose only. To mess with us! More specifically, to scramble the signals our brain cells send each other and basically leave us confused and unhappy.

I speak from experience, (those who know me will verify this fact) as I mentioned once, Doshi’s Law states that “The ones you want don’t want you, and the ones who want you, you don’t want”. This has sound reasoning behind it.

Tell me if I’m wrong here, but the more you pursue a woman, the less interest she shows in you. This is an age-old fact. Suddenly, when you’re dating someone else. They’re all over you. But it gets worse, much worse.

So let’s pretend (hypothetically) you’re single (and don’t want to be single anymore), not a knife wielding psycho, have reasonably good social skills and are not beyond ugly… So why are you still single? Because women can smell your desperate androgenic pheromones. And, more importantly, because they want to toy with you. That’s right… the “messing with you” part is absolutely deliberate!

But let’s be fair, they can’t help it. They’re genetically bound to it, the culprit? Oxytocin. This hormone is called the trust/love hormone. It helps women flirt (and lead you on) without any guilt or remorse! And here’s the kicker, it’s life span is short and it dissipates quickly. (think, many vodka-redbulls later).

So let’s say you’re at a bar/friend’s place/random party etc. and you are of the disposition, I described earlier. You notice a woman you like, she notices you, you start talking. BOOM you think there’s a connection, shortly followed by…. BOOM your bubble of hope bursts as she walks off with her husband/ boyfriend/fiancé. The question here is, why would she flirt with you if she was otherwise “engaged”? Simple answer:
Because she CAN!

Now you know where the old sayings come from (especially on auto-rickshaws and trucks) “trust a snake but not woman“

At this point you can almost hear her saying, “Your honor and members of the jury, I did it because I have an excess amount of oxytocin in my brain”

It’s official, women were built/created/and put on this planet to mess with men!

The Greatest Invention on Earth!

Do you know what the greatest invention on Earth is? No, it’s not sliced bread. Not computers or the internet. And no….. it’s not the iPad (seriously…). This little idea changed our world forever….

What makes this discovery so great, is that it can neither be credited with nor blamed for any of the actions it provokes or the consequences that follow. It is the single most important factor that led to the downfall of many an empire. It gives it’s user immeasurable power over a man. Power so absolute that it leaves it’s user giddy and usually power-mad and inconsolable after not being able to use it anymore.

Over the ages many a poet and writer has attempted to explain it’s awesome power through fables, long winded lore and story. Using similes and such, to shelter the masses from it’s corrupting influence (ala. Lord of the Rings)

So what is this stupendous creation you ask?

The Skirt…

Not for your motor vehicles, not for any mechanical device but the silly fashion trend we all dismiss so easily, the skirt.

So ingenious is this contraption that we’ve seen it mentioned throughout the history of mankind. It’s survival (and popularity) is aided by it’s chameleon-like ability to re-appear in new (adaptable) forms. From minis, to pencil skirts. From, cut-just-above-the-knee to a tight, below-the-knee-cut that better defines a woman’s calf muscles and her posterior.

Women, having realised the power of the skirt early on, have used this garment in conjunction with their pheromones to lure, trap and change men to become malleable, agreeable and domestic.

This may all sound like hokum to you now, but new data suggests that the sudden re-emergence of this garment in our time, especially in popular media. Is a cleverly implemented plan, by the fairer sex, to…(wait for it)…. take over…the world!



I know this is all a bit much to digest. Here you were thinking “Aw, she really made an effort to look nice today” or “Thank the Lord for skirts”… Wake up and smell the starch!

All I have to say is, Steve Jobs and Apple ain’t got nothin’ on this.

Chasing the magic bunny

So the Easter dust has finally settled and the sugar rush is finally subsiding. And I’m beginning to realise the amount of marketing that goes into the resurrection of Christ. In fact we’ve mostly forgotten about the blessed event and most of us are just after the goods, easter eggs!

As usual I woke up in the pm on Sunday afternoon and as usual had a strong hankering for something sweet… Thus began my quest for the rare and hard to obtain easter eggs. I kid you not. After visiting 4 bakeries (Thom’s cafe & bakery included) I still hadn’t satisfied my craving. Apparently easter eggs were out of stock on easter day…

Finally as a last ditch attempt I head to “French Loaf”, where I managed to coerce a waiter (read 20 bucks in his palm) to go look in the back and see if they had any extra. He comes out with 2 eggs already hidden away in a plastic bag, gives me a slight nod and walks to the back of the shop where he beckons and relieves me of my money. Easter eggs in hand (discreetly wrapped up in a plastic bag) I try to walk out of the cafe all stealth-like. Trying hard to avoid direct eye contact with angry mothers who’s little angels are balling and screaming their lungs out. “Ha Ha” I think to myself “Better luck next time”. I’m out the door, making a bee-line for the car when one of the little brats, with x-ray vision scans the bag in my hand, points to me and lets out an ear-shattering sonic-scream! Panic set in! I felt like I was in a segment of “Children of the corn” I ran for dear life. Jumped into the car. Gunned the engine. And I was gone in a flash! Phew!

The whole experience reminded me of trying to score contraband, mixed with news segments, I’d seen, of refugees at a camp fighting for food.

Who knew buying Easter eggs would be such a traumatic experience? This does not bode well for future generations. I see mass riots, government curfews, ultimately rationing of the eggs and finally a dystopian future where easter eggs are nothing but myths…

To be in a relationship or not to be….

That young padawan is the question. It’s been almost a year since I’ve been in a “relationship” and I must admit it was fun and lonely at the same time. But the important thing to remember here, is that there were no pitfalls… I could do no wrong, I didn’t have someone besides me, who’s expectations I had to live up to, or someone I had to impress with my macho-ness (not that I have any). I could just do what I pleased, get pissed drunk and sing the same chorus of “yesterday” again and again without wondering whether my better half had left me, for dead, to fend for myself in Banaswadi at 4 in the morning. I was (and am) answerable to no-one. The other side, of course, is that, being single, you’re inevitably the unneeded wheel on the figurative vehicle.

Like tonight for example. Friend’s party, 18-odd people scoot to leave behind 2 couples and me. I, of course, don’t get the hint. Instead of making a dignified getaway, I hang around and offer to be DJ. (Note: never do this, horny couples, or couples in love, whatever. Don’t really need music to ‘get it on’) So these couples effectively tune me out, until I start croaking (loudly) the chorus of “Still haven’t found”. At which time they’re about ready to throw me off the 4th floor.

Being an unnecessary spoke/wheel never has advantages, unless of course, your ex is trying to get it on with your arch nemesis. And, still you end up looking like a jack-ass. So it’s a no-win situation.

Let’s re-cap:
Being in a relationship (the pitfalls):

1. eradicates freedom
2. cuts your fun to an absolute 0
3. you’re responsible for someone else (from holding hair over toilet to getting them back home safe etc) {ref. point 2}
4. restricts you from singing / croaking “yesterday” in public
5. forces you to not like people that ‘she’ doesn’t like
6. and finally, forces you to leave the party before the alcohol actually runs out (i.e. at a reasonable time)
   

Being in a relationship (the up-side):

1. never feeling out of place, when everyone else is ‘grinding’ to “sexual healing”
2. being a part of numerous double/multiple couples dates
   

You decide…

Why women are like food

You’ve heard it a million times before, and probably done it a few times yourself. At restaurants, movie theaters, at work and pretty much everywhere else in public. Now get your mind out of the gutter, I’m talking about terms of endearment.

You know, when you call your better half, “Honey-bun” or “‘lil lamb chop” or “sweetie-pie” or the countless other sweet/salty snacks/foods you like or can think of. But did you ever wonder where these terms originated from? Or phrases like “You look good enough to eat”. Well yes, porn…. but they get their material from some place too. No prizes for guessing but all this terminology stems from the human-desire to consume…food.

Ergo, thought it would be only too fitting to relate women to food.
So without further delay….

The female stereotype, in gujju

Men have peculiar characteristics (duh!) yes but all men across the world, from different backgrounds, religions. cultures indulge in one very peculiar, yet obvious trait, classifying women.

You’ve heard the regular, run-of-the-mill ones without any imagination, like hot, stacked, high-maintainence, and so on and so forth. This is what the western media propagates, but in my opinion, nothing classifies women like gujju words (made up or otherwise) the gujarati language has a plethora of these words, that don’t have a real translation into the english language, but here’s the “Doshi’s unabridged” version of the same:

How to classify women, gujju style

The ‘new’ object of my affection

It’s here it’s finally here, the last nudge I needed. After a looong 3 week wait, my baby’s finally arrived! After trying everything from alcohol to the gym to introspective walks (read: naps) to more alcohol. My baby has finally arrived to remove any (and I mean any) memories of my ex, and bring order to my otherwise chaotic existence!

I think I’m in love (again)

The Anatomy of a Break-Up ( and a guide to recovery)

Every normal human being, at some point in his/her life, has dumped someone or has been dumped by someone. {Unless of course you were born in the hinterlands of Kerala (or Gujarat) and went straight form birth to arranged marriage, with some engineering college thrown in, midway somewhere.} But for the rest of us, who’ve been there… Breaking-up is hard to do, and recovering from it is even harder.

Therefore, after getting the emotional-sh*t kicked out of me a month ago, and to save mankind (of course), I give you, this handy-dandy guide.